Wait
by FoxDemonYouko590
Summary: Spencer was used to the abandonment, the loneliness of living inside your head. So, in a way, Hotch gave him back a familiar feeling, one that might be his undoing. Angsty Drabble.


Author's Note: The timeline is not accurate to the events in the show. I don't like fics that show Spencer so weak but I couldn't ignore this. Angst all the way

Three Months after Haley's death

It hasn't been long enough to know anything yet. Its only been 3 very painful months and it will only get worse; grieving is a slow process. Spencer told Aaron that space was a good thing and their relationship could resume whenever Aaron felt comfortable, which they both agreed upon.

Four months and Spencer knows its too early, but sometimes his heart constricts to the point he can't breathe...because he knows deep down that it's over.

Eight months and the team is back together, enjoying a quiet break in the midst of the sadness and loss that their job requires. Hotch seems alright but you'd never know if something was wrong anyway. All Spencer can do it wait, wait, wait...

Twelve months and Spencer is taking a risk.

"Do you think we have a chance?"

Hotch wished he could give him the answer he wanted but its not that simple.

Fourteen months and Spencer gave up two months ago. When he hears the team gossip about Hotch's date with a woman named Beth, his heart breaks again and he excuses himself.

Sixteen months and all Spencer wants is something familiar. He craves it. The thought of Dilaudid creeps into his mind and so does: _well, there's nothing to lose_. So Spencer gives in and so does the needle. He's done waiting.

Eighteen months and no one has noticed and that's the point. Spencer sees the smile on Hotch's face and he can't be selfish - projecting his own problems onto his team. "Reid, are you okay?" It's Morgan, Spencer nods and give some excuse about his headache and goes back to work.

Twenty months and...now they've noticed. Spencer's eyes contain dark circles that have circles, his already lean frame is somehow smaller and its all too obvious, especially for the team who has already seen it happen before.

Spencer knew that the moment he gave into his addiction, it was over...Hotch seemed happy though and in Spencer's confused head, that's all he cared about.

Twenty four months...two years and all Spencer Reid can claim himself as is a genius drug addict with a brain that can't stop remembering. Spencer hasn't slept in awhile and he swears that he hears people in his apartment sometimes. That's the problem with drugs. His brain was once a tool he relied on, now he can't even trust it.

_I can't stop it...I can't stop it...I can't stop it_, Spencer is sitting in his kitchen and its a sight that would make any mother cry. He spent how many years trying to make excuses and fake smiles to the people who care about him. How selfish. JJ and Morgan both confronted him and he admitted he had a problem, but he was taking care of it and just to trust him.

He turned in his badge and gun the very next day, without an explanation or a goodbye; just a silent nod and a slow walk out the doors of the BAU. Spencer knew that everyone's eyes were on his back but he didn't care, he hasn't felt anything in a while.

Spencer should've known that once Aaron said goodbye to Haley two years ago, everything would change. Hotch had abandoned him as did Jason and his father. It was all too familiar.

For awhile, he had hoped for a fairytale ending where Hotch comes running after him and they kiss as the team cheered in the background but all he got was the smell of urine and the taste of sour milk pouring out of his throat. One week into withdrawal and Spencer forgot how terrible it was. He was shaking but he knew that he wasn't going to let the drugs win again.

He needed to prove to himself that he could do this on his own. He hasn't spoken to anyone since he walked out of the BAU, he's sure they tried to call his cell but he left it behind as well as everything else in Virginia. He didn't want his team to realize that when Haley died, so did he. And he didn't want Aaron to know he just spent the last two years lying to himself.

_"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them." - Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper_


End file.
